Contessa Abigail & Major Mark Save Christmas
by Grampa
Once upon a December the 24th…
The holiday rush had left Mama and Dadda zonked, faded, gone, and tucked under the covers like ham and Swiss between two slices of bread. Mama was the cheese.
Contessa Abigail and her brave protector, Major Mark, were wide awake, powered by the expectations of toys and fun on Christmas morning. They were sitting downstairs by the big tree. It was a Blue Spruce named Bruce, and it was straight and regal and covered in bottled rainbows. All it lacked was more presents.
“Why am I only a major?” protested Major Mark. “Why can’t I be a general… or a field marshal… or a T-Rex?”
“You have to earn those ranks,” the contessa admonished her brother. Admonished means scolded.
“And how do I do that?” asked he.
“By doing what I tell you to do,” said she.
Contessa Abigail was busy explaining the long list of things Major Mark must do when they heard a noise outside. They rushed to the front door and flung it open. There on the lawn, which was frosted in sparkling white, stood a sleigh pulled by a team of reindeer.
“Who’s that?” asked Major Mark.
“Who do you think?” snarked Contessa Abigail.
The sleigh shimmered and flickered like something connected both to the here they knew and to a wondrous there they could only dream of, and it contained a huge sack and a portly fellow at the reins.
“Ho! Ho!” he chortled (that means he laughed) and looked over at the contessa and her loyal major. “How come you two are still up? How do you expect Santa to make his rounds if you’re peeping?”
The contessa and the major looked sheepish. It was true: the hour was late, and they both should be asleep. By way of apology, they invited Santa in for some milk and cookies. And in he came, along with his gang of coursers (that means horses or reindeer) who clomped all over Mama’s floors, tracking in mud and making the house smell gamy (that means stinky.)
“Nice place,” said Comet, always quick with a compliment.
“Got any brewskies?” asked Dasher, nosing through the fridge, his antlers knocking Mama’s chicken enchilada casserole onto the floor.
“Can I use the bathroom?” asked Vixen. Contessa Abigail pointed past the kitchen and down the hall on the left.
Ever curious, Major Mark asked Santa, “How fast does your sleigh fly? You must break some speed limits to reach every house all over the world.”
Santa sipped the milk Contessa Abigail had given him and told them, “Well, in the old days, it was quite the challenge. Of course, I only have to visit the nice children. Eliminating the naughty ones shortens my trip considerably. Nowadays, it’s much simpler. I travel in multi-incursive-translocational-omnidimensional mode. Gets the job done like that!” he said, snapping his fingers.
The contessa and the major stood with their mouths open.
Seeing their confusion, a reindeer by the name of Cayden explained, “Don’t mind him. He watches too much Doctor Who. He’s just saying he can be many places at the same time. It’s technology… or magic. Your choice.”
“Oh,” said Major Mark, unsure whether he understood or not.
“Which means… I have time to watch the big game!” Santa announced. He took the liberty of grabbing the clicker from where Dadda kept it and turning on the big TV. “The Falcons are in decuple overtime.”
“That means ten times,” Reindeer Cayden explained. Indeed, the game was running much, much, much later than fans had expected.
“I’ve got a wad of Kringle bucks riding on this! Those dirty birds had better not choke again, or they’ll find coal in their stockings!” Santa fumed.
“And reindeer poo in their shoes,” added Donder, who had made a sizeable bet of his own.
Dadda’s big TV showed the big game. Santa and his crew cheered as some men in black shirts tossed a football while men wearing another color tried to beat them up, and every few minutes a man in a plaid jacket popped up and tried to sell them a car. It was all very confusing.
Contessa Abigail looked at Santa, looked at the TV, looked at the big tree with so few gifts below it. Finally, she asked, “What about that sack on your sleigh? Shouldn’t you be…?”
Santa said, “Hush, child. I’ll get to it. Lemme watch the game. Go, Falcons!”
“Pffft,” said Reindeer Cayden.
Taking the insult, Santa blurted out, “Fine! If you want to help old Saint Nick, you three can cover this leg of my journey. That sack out there has enough gifts for everyone in Marietta.” He took out a special old-fashioned key and blew a frosty breath upon it til it glistened. “There, now it’s on automatic. Just fly!” Major Mark scooped the key out of the jolly old elf’s hand before he could change his mind.
None of the reindeer gathered on and around the couch looked ready to budge.
Except for Reindeer Cayden. “It’s okay, without the… urm… extra load… I can pull the sleigh by myself. All you need to do is turn it on and up we go!”
Contessa Abigail and Major Mark grabbed their coats and shoes and raced out onto the lawn and climbed into the big red sleigh. Major Mark took the pilot’s seat. The contessa sat beside him and commanded, “Let’s dash! We have gifts to deliver and kids to delight!”
Major Mark turned the old-fashioned key, and the sleigh came to life, rising above the rooftops of their neighborhood. Reindeer Cayden dug his hooves into the clouds and hauled the giant sled at an impressive speed.
It may have taken minutes or hours; time did not work the same in the flying sleigh. Major Mark went first, reaching into the big sack and pulling out a few brightly wrapped gifts. No sooner were they in his hands than his body flashed red then green and changed into a swarm of fireflies. Over the side he went, fluttering down the nearest chimney. A moment later he was back in the seat, empty-handed, solid, and wide-eyed. “That was cool!”
Contessa Abigail went next, taking a gift in hand and transforming into sparkly pink and purple butterflies in order to make her holiday delivery. Upon her return, she proudly announced, “That little girl got a yellow pony with an orange mane that grows and grows. She’ll be so happy!”
The night carried them all over. They circled the Big Chicken and flew high above Highway 41. They recognized some of the homes while others were new to them. Some were fancy and large; others small and plain. All of the children were sound asleep – as Major Mark and Contessa Abigail should have been. Some kids were part of a big family; others were alone. None were forgotten. Not on this night.
“Last one!” Reindeer Cayden announced as they circled a pretty blue house. Contessa Abigail reached back into the big sack and found only two gifts left.
“What are they?” asked Major Mark.
Contessa Abigail said, “There’s a doll princess in a fabulous gown – “
“Blah! Girl junk,” interrupted Major Mark.
“—and a toy tank that belches smoke and shoots chocolates.”
“Neat!” he said, excitedly. “That must be for me. It’s what I asked Santa for weeks ago at the mall.”
“And I asked for the doll princess,” admitted Contessa Abigail.
“And those are the only presents left?” Major Mark asked, his lip starting to quiver.
Contessa Abigail took one more look in the sack. It was quite empty.
“That’s all,” she said. “Nothing left for us.”
The two looked at each other. They looked at Reindeer Cayden. They looked down at the pretty blue house, where they knew two kids just like them were sleeping.
“Tough choice,” said Reindeer Cayden, who’d been listening with his big reindeer ears. “I know what I’d do, but you two figure out what you want to do. I’m just hanging out in mid-air, pulling this big red flying sled. I don’t see a thing.” Reindeer Cayden began to whistle a reindeer ditty (that means song) as if nothing were going on behind him.
A short time later, Contessa Abigail and Major Mark parked the big red sleigh on their lawn and went back inside their house. They took off their coats and shoes and returned to the living room. Santa was just clicking off the TV.
“Well!” he said in a huff.
Major Mark asked, “Did the Falcons win?”
Instead of answering, Santa said, “Thanks for everything. We’ll be on our way now.” His tone was gruff. (That means the Falcons lost.)
The reindeer, a few of whom were wobbly on their hooves, rejoined Reindeer Cayden, taking up their slots in the reins of the big sleigh. Amazingly, the sack in back appeared to inflate like a balloon, suddenly full of gifts once again. “On to the next!” Santa proclaimed as he climbed aboard and turned the special key.
The sleigh lifted off the lawn and rose higher and higher. But ere (that means before) it flew out of sight, the children heard Santa proclaim, “Merry Christmas to all! And to you two, go to bed. Goodnight!”
It was late.
Contessa Abigail and Major Mark quickly cleaned up the mess in the living room, as well as the mess in the bathroom, which was considerable. Then, they went to bed.
Dawn came at the usual time, which was early. Mama and Dadda wearily pulled themselves into action and were surprised to find their children still sleeping on Christmas morning. They bounced the two out of their beds and shuffled them downstairs.
As their parents made breakfast, Contessa Abigail and Major Mark looked at their little tree. It was somehow smaller in daylight, but it was beautiful. The presents underneath were just as bright as they needed to be, no more and no less. The shiny paper and colorful bows shone with love.
“This is all the Christmas we need,” said Contessa Abigail, thinking of the doll princess in her fabulous gown… and of the little girl in the blue house who would be so happy to find it under her tree.
“It’s the best,” agreed Major Mark, thinking about a boy somewhere playing with a cool toy tank that belched smoke and shot chocolates.
“The best gift is the one you already have,” came a familiar voice from outside the window.
The brother and sister made certain Mama and Dadda weren’t looking – they were kissing. Yuck!
Major Mark opened the window.
“You came back!” cried Contessa Abigail.
Reindeer Cayden said, “That old fool has a good heart, but he’d forget his own beard if I didn’t glue it on for him! We were over Nova Scotia when he realized he hadn’t left you anything. He sent me back.” Reindeer Cayden held out two brightly wrapped presents, which the children took and quickly snuck underneath Bruce the Blue Spruce.
“Merry Christmas!” the three whispered to each other in joyful conspiracy, and then Reindeer Cayden leaped miles into the sky and was gone.
Done with their mushy stuff, Mama and Dadda came into the living room and settled down with their coffee.
“What did Santa bring you?” Mama asked.
“A reminder of how lucky we are,” Contessa Abigail answered. Then she and Major Mark gave their mother and father a big squishy Christmassy hug.
--December 2022