The Great Nazi Sea Monkey Christmas Blitz
or
Triumph of the Krill
by
Chris Riker
***
for Marjorie
***
In the decades following WWII, a Jewish-born neo-Nazi named Harold von Braunhut got rich by placing ads in comic books to sell brine shrimp wearing crowns, known as sea monkeys. This is a fact.
In 1998, John Glenn flew aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery along with 400 million sea monkey eggs to study the effects of radiation. Glenn and the eggs returned safely. This is a fact.
What follows is true flash fiction based on actual speculation.
*
Dressed in their garish uniforms, decked in medals and symbols of death, his general staff gathered themselves to Schrimplgruber’s side. The assembly hovered before him, column upon column of swarmtroopers ready to act as one, responding to a will to power. Derr Lurher’s will.
“My fellow crustaceans! This is our moment. No longer will we humble ourselves, denying our innate superiority over a world of mongrel scrod!” The cheers of his fighters warmed his cephalothorax, as did the proud smile on the face of his mistress, Eva Prawn. “Too long have we suffered at the hands of the one true enemy.” The crowd knew the euphemism, as it was a frequent part of their lurher’s speeches. “Be assured, my people, Those who will not eat us will not defeat us!” The water churned with riotous waving of millions of phyllopodia. “Let our Thousand-Tide Reich begin!”
Even as the adulation peaked, Schrimplgruber swam down to the castle on the gravelly bottom of the aquagarten. His general staff followed him to the secret bunker inside.
When they were assembled, Schrimplgruber took his place behind his desk and began. “My plan is moving as I always told you it would. Even as we speak, The Wolffish, General Steinbítur, is launching his attack! His specially equipped Oberflächentruppen have gone forth! Today, the rumpus room, tomorrow the kitchen!”
Chief of the Army General Staff Krabs fixed himself, thorax as straight as it would go. “Mein Lurher, about Steinbitur…”
Boebbels and Borfinn flagellated in place, glancing nervously at one another.
Schrimplgruber waited without meeting Krabs’ compound eyes. At last, he delivered the news. “Steinbitur didn’t have enough force,” Krabs said. “The attack did not take place.”
With quaking claspers, Schrimplgruber removed his glasses and ordered most of the generals out of the room. To those remaining, he screamed, “That was an order! Steinbitur’s attack was an order!”
“But, mein Lurher…” Krabs attempted, weakly.
Schrimplgruber cut him off. “Since the day our people received the gift of cosmic radiation, we have evolved and planned and waited. This generation must succeed where past generations have failed. The Artemian Genus must realize its place of supremacy. Steinbitur will regroup and attack the Levi family. We will annex this entire split-level Mediterranean-style four-bedroom, three-and-a-half bath home and from it launch a Blitzwelle upon the entire Greenwood subdivision!”
Krabs, perhaps realizing he was already deveined and cooked, revealed the terrible truth. “Mein Lurher, General Steinbitur’s forces are gone. The cat ate them.”
“Three whole divisions?”
“Sadie is a big cat.”
Seizing the moment, Propaganda Minister Boebbels spoke up. “We have a plan, Mein Lurher. Even now, a brilliant scientist known as the Angelfish of Death is working to unlock our genetic code. He has promised me he will grow us to one thousand times our present size and adapt our gills to operate in open air. We will be unstoppable.” A thought occurring, he quickly added, “You’ll recall, it was your idea.”
“Yes, of course I recall. When will my plan be ready?”’
Never one to miss out on glory, Borfinn exerted his spell-like influence over Schrimplgruber. “It will happen by Christmas!” he unabashedly claimed, adding under his breath, “or certainly by next Christmas.”
This appeared to calm the agitated lurher. “Good. Good. We cannot fail. We will not fail. The heavens owe me a better fate. God will answer for binding grand ambition within this tiny shell!”
Boebbels moved to reclaim control of the moment, summoning his off-key tenor to launch into “Lili Marlin.” Those gathered in the room immediately joined in, and the sounds from outside confirmed that the melancholy melody had filled every briny mouth as well.
*
Nathan looked sheepish as his father led him into the Levi Family’s rumpus room, where the water in the fish tank undulated with activity.
“Pop, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that about that Braunhut guy. It didn’t say anything about him in the ad.”
“I don’t care. The smell of shellfish is bad enough; I won’t have tainted shrimp under my roof.”
Reluctantly, Nathan inserted a syphon hose into the aquarium containing his miscreant pets. He sucked the other end as hard as his eight-year-old lungs would allow until he felt the water coming. Quickly, so as not to spill on his mother’s good Turkish rug, he hung the hose out the window.
Water gushed forth, drawing the attention of a pair of golden eyes. As tiny, singing morsels splashed onto the ground before her, Sadie purred and crept in to feast.
###
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